Allah (SWT) the Exalted says in Noble Qur'an: "O you who
believe!
Be careful of (your duty to) Allah and speak the right word." (33:70)
I remember my dad teaching me the power of language at a very
young age. Not only did my dad understand that specific words affect our mental
pictures, but he understood words are a powerful programming factor in lifelong
success.
One particularly interesting event occurred when I was eight. As a
kid, I was always climbing trees, poles, and literally hanging around upside
down from the rafters of our lake house. So, it came to no surprise for my dad
to find me at the top of a 30-foot tree swinging back and forth. My little eight-year-old
brain didn't realize the tree could break or I could get hurt. I just thought
it was fun to be up so high.
My older cousin, Tammy, was also in the same tree. She was hanging
on the first big limb, about ten feet below me. Tammy's mother also noticed us
at the exact time my dad did. About that time a huge gust of wind came over the
tree. I could hear the leaves start to rattle and the tree begin to sway. I
remember my dad's voice over the wind yell, "Bart, Hold on tightly."
So I did.
The next thing I know, I heard Tammy screaming at the top of her
lungs, laying flat on the ground. She had fallen out of the tree.
I scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later told me why she
fell and I did not. Apparently, when Tammy's mother felt the gust of wind, she
yelled out, "Tammy, don't fall!" And Tammy did fall.
My dad then explained to me that the mind has a very difficult
time processing a negative image. In fact, people who rely on internal pictures
cannot see a negative at all. In order for Tammy to process the command of not
falling, her nine-year-old brain had to first imagine falling, then try to tell
the brain not to do what it just imagined. Whereas, my eight-year-old brain
instantly had an internal image of me hanging on tightly.
This concept is especially useful when you are attempting to break
a habit or set a goal. You can't visualize not doing something. The only way to
properly visualize not doing something is to actually find a word for what you
want to do and visualize that. For example, when I was thirteen years old, I
played for my junior high school football team. I tried so hard to be good, but
I just couldn't get it together at that age. I remember hearing the words run
through my head as I was running out for a pass, "Don't drop it!"
Naturally, I dropped the ball.
My coaches were not skilled enough to teach us proper
"Self-Talk." They just thought some kids could catch and others
couldn't. I'll never make it pro, but I'm now a pretty good Sunday afternoon
football player, because all my internal dialogue is positive and encourages me
to win. I wish my dad had coached me playing football instead of just climbing
trees. I might have had a longer football career.
Here is a very easy demonstration to teach your kids and your
friends the power of a toxic vocabulary. Ask them to hold a pen or pencil. Hand
it to them. Now, follow my instructions carefully. Say to them, "Okay, try
to drop the pencil." Observe what they do.
Most people release their hands and watch the pencil hit the floor.
You respond, "You weren't paying attention. I said TRY to drop the pencil.
Now please do it again." Most people then pick up the pencil and pretend
to be in excruciating pain while their hand tries but fails to drop the pencil.
The point is made. If you tell your brain you will "give it a
try," you are actually telling your brain to fail. I have a "no
try" rule in my house and with everyone I interact with. Either people
will do it or they won't. Either they will be at the party or they won't. I'm
brutal when people attempt to lie to me by using the word try. Do they think I
don't know they are really telegraphing to the world they have no intention of
doing it but they want me to give them brownie points for pretended effort? You
will never hear the words "I'll try" come out of my mouth unless I'm
teaching this concept in a seminar.
If you "try" and do something, your unconscious mind has
permission not to succeed. If I truly can't make a decision I will tell the
truth. "Sorry John. I'm not sure if I will be at your party or not. I've
got an outstanding commitment. If that falls through, I will be here, Insha
Allah. Otherwise, I will not. Thanks for the invite." People respect
honesty. So remove the word "try" from your vocabulary.
My dad also told me that psychologists claim it takes seventeen
positive statements to offset one negative statement. I have no idea if it is
true, but the logic holds true. It might take up to seventeen compliments to
offset the emotional damage of one harsh criticism.
These are concepts that are especially useful when raising
children.
Make positive Self-Talk a daily practice.
Ask
yourself how many compliments you give yourself daily versus how many
criticisms. Heck, I know you are talking to yourself all day long. We all have
internal voices that give us direction.
So,
are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or are you short changing yourself with
toxic self-talk like, "I'm fat. Nobody will like me. I'll try this diet.
I'm not good enough. I'm so stupid. I'm broke, etc. etc."
If
our parents can set a lifetime of programming with one wrong statement, imagine
the kind of programming you are doing on a daily basis with your own internal
dialogue. Here is a list of Toxic Vocabulary words. Notice when you or other
people use them.
BUT:
Negates any words that are stated before it.
TRY:
Presupposes failure.
IF:
Presupposes that you may not.
MIGHT:
It does nothing definite. It leaves options for your listener.
WOULD
HAVE: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen.
SHOULD
HAVE: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen
(and implies guilt.)
COULD
HAVE: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen but
the person tries to take credit as if it did happen.
CAN'T/DON'T:
These words force the listener to focus on exactly the opposite of what you
want. This is a classic mistake that parents and coaches make without knowing
the damage of this linguistic error.
Examples:
Toxic
phrase: "Don't drop the ball!"
Likely
result: Drops the ball
Better
language: "Catch the ball!"
Toxic
phrase: "You shouldn't watch so much television."
Likely
result: Watches more television.
Better
language: "I read too much television makes people stupid. You might find
yourself turning that TV off and picking up one of those books more
often!"
Exercise:
Take
a moment to write down all the phrases you use on a daily basis or any Toxic
Self-Talk that you have noticed yourself using. Write these phrases down so you
will begin to catch yourself as they occur and change them.
Forge
a positive relationship with the world around you and the world will become a
better place for you to live. And remember: Make positive Self-Talk a daily
practice.
By: Ralph Marston
Encouraging
Story: Results of Positive Talk
A man was lost while driving through the countryside. As he tried
to reach for the map, he accidentally drove off the road into a ditch. Though
he wasn't injured, his car was stuck deep in the mud. So the man walked to a
nearby farm to ask for help.
"Warwick can get you out of that ditch," said the
farmer, pointing to an old mule standing in a field. The man looked at the
decrepit old mule and looked at the farmer who just stood there repeating,
"Yep, old Warwick can do the job." The man figured he had nothing to
lose. The two men and the mule made their way back to the ditch. The farmer
hitched the mule to the car. With a snap of the reins, he shouted, "Pull,
Fred! Pull, Jack! Pull, Ted! Pull, Warwick!"
And the mule pulled that car right out of the ditch.
The man was amazed. He thanked the farmer, patted the mule, and
asked, "Why did you call out all of those names before you called
Warwick?"
The farmer grinned and said, "Old Warwick is just about
blind. As long as he believes he's part of a team, he doesn't mind
pulling."
Keep
your words positive, because your words become your actions.
Keep
your actions positive, because your actions become your habits.
Keep
your habits positive, because your habits become your lifestyle.
Keep
your lifestyle positive, because your lifestyle becomes your destiny.
Encouraging
Talk or Encouraging Lesson from a Frog Tale
A group of frogs were hopping contentedly through the woods, going
about their froggy business, when two of them fell into a deep pit. All of the
other frogs gathered around the pit to see what could be done to help their
companions. When they saw how deep the pit was, the rest of the dismayed group
agreed that it was hopeless and told the two frogs in the pit that they should
prepare themselves for their fate, because they were as good as dead.
Unwilling to accept this terrible fate, the two frogs began to
jump with all of their might. Some of the frogs shouted into the pit that it
was hopeless, and that the two frogs wouldn't be in that situation if they had
been more careful, more obedient to the froggy rules, and more responsible.
The other frogs continued sorrowfully shouting that they should
save their energy and give up, since they were already as good as dead. The two
frogs continued jumping as hard as they could, and after several hours of
desperate effort were quite weary.
Finally, one of the frogs took heed to the calls of his fellows.
Spent and disheartened, he quietly resolved himself to his fate, lay down at
the bottom of the pit, and died as the others looked on in helpless grief. The
other frog continued to jump with every ounce of energy he had, although his
body was wracked with pain and he was completely exhausted.
His companions began a new, yelling for him to accept his fate,
stop the pain and just die. The weary frog jumped harder and harder and -
wonder of wonders! Finally leapt so high that he sprang from the pit. Amazed,
the other frogs celebrated his miraculous freedom and then gathering around him
asked, "Why did you continue jumping when we told you it was
impossible?" Reading their lips, the astonished frog explained to them
that he was deaf, and that when he saw their gestures and shouting, he thought
they were cheering him on. What he had perceived as encouragement inspired him
to try harder and to succeed against all odds.
This simple Frog story contains a powerful lesson. Your encouraging or positive words can lift
someone up and help him or her make it through the day. Your destructive or
negative words can cause deep wounds; they may be the weapons that destroy
someone's desire to continue trying - or even their life. Your destructive,
careless word can diminish someone in the eyes of others, destroy their
influence and have a lasting impact on the way others respond to them.
It
is narrated that the Holy Prophet Mohammad (saw) has said: "Affliction
caused by the tongue is worse than (that caused by) the strike of the blade of
a sword."
Confidence
Building Story: Fathers Eyes
A teenager lived alone with his father, and the two of them had a
very special relationship. The father believed in encouragement. Even though
the son was always on the bench, his father was always in the stands cheering.
He never missed a game.
This young man was the smallest of the class when he entered high
school.
His father continued to encourage him but also made it very clear
that he did not have to play football if he didn't want to.
But the young man loved football and decided to hang in there. He
was determined to try his best at every practice, and perhaps he would get to
play when he became a senior.
All through high school he never missed a practice or a game, but
remained a bench warmer all four years. His faithful father was always in the
stands, always with words of encouragement for him. When the young man went to
college, he decided to try out for the football team as a "walk-on."
Everyone was sure he could never make the cut, but he did. The
coach admitted that he kept him on the roster because he always puts his heart
and soul to every practice, and at the same time, provided the other members
with the spirit and hustle they badly needed. The news that he had survived the
cut thrilled him so much that he rushed to the nearest phone and called his
father.
His father shared his excitement and was sent season tickets for
all the college games. This persistent young athlete never missed practice
during his four years at college, but he never got to play in the game.
It was the end of his senior football season, and as he trotted
onto the practice field shortly before the big play off game, the coach met him
with a telegram. The young man read the telegram and he became deathly silent.
Swallowing hard, he mumbled to the coach, "My father died
this morning. Is it all right if I miss practice today?"
The coach put his arm gently around his shoulder and said,
"Take the rest of the week off, son. And don't even plan to come back to
the game on Saturday." Saturday arrived, and the game was not going well.
In the third quarter, when the team was ten points behind, a
silent young man quietly slipped into the empty locker room and put on his
football gear. As he ran onto the sidelines, the coach and his players were
astounded to see their faithful team-mate back so soon.
"Coach, please let me play. I have just got to play
today," said the young man.
The coach pretended not to hear him. There was no way he wanted
his worst player in this close playoff game. But the young man persisted, and finally
feeling sorry for young man, the coach gave in. "All right," he said.
"You can go in." Before long, the coach, the players and everyone in
the stands could not believe their eyes. This little unknown, who had never
played before, was doing everything right. The opposing team could not stop
him. He ran, he passed, blocked and tackled like a star. His team began to
triumph.
The score was soon tied. In the closing seconds of the game, this
young man intercepted a pass and ran all the way for the winning touchdown. The
fans broke loose. His team-mates hoisted him onto their shoulders. Such
cheering you have never heard!
Finally, after the stands had emptied and the team had showered
and left the locker room, the coach noticed that the young man was sitting
quietly in the corner all alone. The coach came to him and said, "Young
man, I can't believe it. You were fantastic! Tell me what got into you? How did
you do it?"
Young man looked at the coach, with tears in his eyes, and said,
"Well, you knew my dad died, but did you know that my dad was blind?"
The young man swallowed hard and forced a smile, "Dad came to all my
games, but today was the first time he could see me play, and I wanted to show
him I could do it!"
Remember:
"Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try."
"Most of the important things in the world have been
accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope
at all."
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet
voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."
Encouraging
Story: You are priceless to those who love you
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a
dollar twenty ($20) bill, in the room of two hundred (200) people. Speaker
asked, "Who would like this dollar twenty ($20) bill?" Hands started
going up.
Speaker said, "I am going to give this dollar twenty ($20)
bill to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple up
the dollar twenty ($20) bill. He asked, "Who still wants it?" Still
hands were up in the air.
"Well, what if I do this?" He dropped it on the ground
and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now
crumpled and dirty and asked, "Who still wants it?" Still hands went
up into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter
what was done to the money, it was still wanted because it did not decrease in
value. It was still worth dollar twenty ($20).
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into
the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We
may feel as though we are worthless and useless.
But no matter what has happened or will happen, you will never
lose your value: dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still
priceless to those who love you.
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